Finding Hope When You're Drowning...

Have you ever been given news that feels like you've been sucker-punched in the gut? Maybe your parent passed away; your unborn darling slipped into Jesus' arms; maybe you got fired; your spouse confessed an affair; maybe the book you worked so hard on was declined for publishing; or maybe someone said something that cut "below the belt". Being actually sucker-punched in the gut may hurt less than what this feels like though. It's more like several punches all over your body for a prolonged period of time. It's unfortunate but sometimes our circumstances take an abrupt, unexpected shift and with that comes tremendous shock and pain that feels like it'll be impossible to overcome.

This year, I was laden with something unexpected. The first couple of days was, in the words of Katy Perry, "like swallowing sand". To be honest, I would even dare to say that the first few hours wasn't even the worse part. It was the days following that tormented me. To give you a small glimpse into how I was truly feeling, here is an excerpt from my journal:

"Lord, right now I feel like I'm out in the middle of the ocean. I can barely keep my head above the water. The pressure of the water is crushing my lungs and I can barely breathe. The waves are crashing over my head, trying to pull me under and trying ever so hard to keep me from taking a breath. Lord, save me before I drown."

It was one of the lowest moments I've felt in a very long time. It was, however, the most pain I've ever felt in my life. In the back of my mind, I knew I was going to be okay eventually but that didn't take away from the immense pain I was feeling. There was nothing I wanted more than to just sit in the presence of God and lay there. I cried. I got angry. There were moments that I talked a lot to God and there were other moments that I stared off and was completely speechless. I cycled through the past, replaying things over and over and over again. I was in disbelief. I felt so stupid. I felt worthless. I felt bullied. Even when I slept at night, I would wake up throughout the night and it would hit me all over again. All I wanted was for all of this to be just a nightmare but no, it was real life and it sucked.

The beautiful and miraculous thing about the Lord is that He is always close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18). Sometimes He speaks with comforting words and other times He just comforts us with His silent presence. For this particular instance, God had a lot to say (and I'm so happy He did). It's interesting because He was using the same imagery of the ocean I used in my journal and but instead, He used it to display hope in my situation. I started seeing the word "ocean" frequently whether it was a word in a song, in scripture or while reading a book.

Before now, the ocean had no significance for me. I'm not one that wants to go on vacation to sit on the beach or anything of that sort. But after I realized, the word "ocean" was repeatedly coming across my path, I googled the symbolism and the significance of the ocean. In some cultures, it's a symbol of stability, the unfathomable, or the beginning of life. To me, this is interesting because the very thing that I used to describe what's taking me down, God showed me that it may be the very thing that will heal, renew, and strengthen me. That maybe He was about to do the unthinkable, He was about to refresh me and give me a new beginning. He was about to bring some stability in the instability I'd been experiencing all year. I have no idea what God has up His sleeve or what it will actually look like but in the midst of the pain, there is an anticipation of excitement because I believe with everything inside of me that something is about to happen and it will be amazing!

One of the ways God reminded me of the ocean was as I was listening to a worship song. It's called "Dancing on the waves". I've never heard it before and when I heard the second verse and chorus, I immediately smiled and started to tear up. Lately, I've been playing it on repeat because it fills me with comfort and hope. It reminds me that He sees me and that where I'm at is not where I will end up. It reminds me that He loves me immensely and he's wrapping his arms around me.

"Look up and lift your eyes The future's open wide I have great plans for you,  oh, yes, I do Your past is dead and gone Your healing has begun I'm making all things new

I'm reaching out, I'll chase you down I dare you to believe how much I love you now, ohh Don't be afraid, I am your strength We'll be walking on the water, dancing on the waves" - "Dancing on the Waves" by We The Kingdom

If you haven't heard this song, I highly recommend it. This song along with God's word has changed the game. He's easing the pain. There really is a reason why Christ followers say they don't understand how people can live without God. What I've gone through this year, just thinking back, if I didn't have God or didn't believe in Him, I most surely would be at a COMPLETELY different place today. I would be so miserable and hopeless.

God's ways are incredible and we don't always know what He is doing or why but we do know that it is always for our good (Romans 8:28). It can feel a lot like drowning but maybe He has to submerge us in order to purify and refresh us. If I've learned anything this year, it's letting go of the grip I have on every single area of my life. From my health, my marriage, my future children, my education, my family, my job, my finances. I worry and worry and worry and God just keeps saying "Just let it go. I've got this. Rest. You will enjoy how all of this turns out, just trust me. Please, trust me. I know it hurts now but soon it won't hurt or worry you anymore.... Kayleigh, you are gripping it again, please let it go and be still."

I was reading a story the other day about this community that had this 110-ton boulder sitting up on a mountain. It was causing some problems but the community cared a lot about it. So they all came together and using dynamite, they blew it to pieces. They then brought it down to the town level and pieced it back together so they could preserve it. Right now, God may be blowing up the pieces and since He cares about you, He will piece it back together better than it was before. I don't know how that speaks to you right now but for where I'm at, it makes me smile. We get so wrapped into our circumstances and stuck in our heads when we know that the God of the universe will take care of it. If God can figure out how to create atoms and stuff them with millions of particles, I think He can handle helping me with all of my problems.

To boil it all down, we all have a choice: We can either sit in the pain and the confusion, alone, sulking in the unfairness. Or we can surrender it all over to God and trust that He is "making all things new" (Isaiah 43:18-19; Revelation 21:5). That He is about to do "immeasurably more than we think or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20). Right now, you may feel like you are drowning in the middle of the ocean but soon you'll be dancing on the waves. We both will.

Want to chat about how I can help you grow in this area? Contact me!

#WeveGotThis #JesusSaves #NothingCanHoldUsDown #YouAreNotDrowning #DanceOnTheWaves #WeTheKingdom #MoreIsComing #MoreOfGod