The Year of Transformation

DISCLAIMER: This was a post archived from the old site "In This Together".

For the past few years around New Years Eve, I have tried to gauge where I thought God would be taking me that following year. New Years 2019 was no different. I prayed and meditated and felt as though this would be the year of transformation and “realignment”. I sat on my floor looking at my bookshelf, going through my spiritual/self-help books and bibles and said “God I want to grow closer to you this year.” Specifically, the word REALIGN has been a word on my heart that I have carried with me all year. While in some ways I feel like I have grown while I've tried to remind myself of realigning, I also have found myself doing what I’ve always done, worry and overthink.

As most of you know I had surgery on April 23rd this year. I found a lump behind my jaw bone over a year ago and while it brought me no pain or discomfort physically, it worried me mentally. One doctor in particular wanted to take it seriously just as a precaution. Fast forward 4 months after several scans, blood tests, etc., I was laying on a gurney laughing with the nurses as they all tried to put an IV in to prep me for surgery. After 3 pokes, we got a winner (Thank God, ouch!). The experience was very positive even with all of the feelings of nervousness I felt. In fact, their positive, funny attitudes were probably the reason why I ended up calming down a little bit. My doctor also stopped by and reassured me I was in her hands and she would take good care of me.

I was joking with the anesthesiologist and the next thing I knew I was being woken up by a nurse. After about an hour, my doctor came over and told me that Pathology looked at the tumor and we all jumped for joy that it was benign. I was sent home to rest and to heal.

Friday morning, April 26th, I received an unexpected phone call from my doctor that there had been an unfortunate mistake. In a calm voice she told me it was cancer. That had to have been the surrealist moment of my life. Cancer…. Really? Cancer? No way! I’m only 30 years old. After hanging up the phone I ran upstairs to my father in law. No one else was home and I was in complete shock. He too looked baffled and couldn’t believe it. I’m pretty sure I cried. I don’t remember a whole lot though because, well, drugs. The worst part was my husband was out of town. It was a Friday morning and I felt like I had to sit with it all weekend, alone even despite that all of my other immediate family knew.

The thing I once named “Gladys” (pre-operational humor) was now known as Acinic Cell Carcinoma. It’s a rare type of cancer that affects only 2% of all salivary gland cancers. Mainly 60 year olds who smoke and/or have asbestos exposure, none of which are me. Since finding out this news, I feel like my life has been a complete whirlwind of ups and downs. I had a doctor’s appointment with my Surgeon where we talked a little bit more about the diagnosis which then lead to another appointment at the Cancer Institute to see a Hematology Oncologist. He was alright. He seems smart but lacks bedside manner. But I'll get over it. During this appointment, he said “I think I can ‘cure you’ but I’m not sure what the plan of action is at this point.” With more talking, he’s thinking more surgery (he wants to remove the entire gland now since only half of it was ), radiation likely, and chemo is on the low maybe list.

This last Wednesday I met with my Radiation Oncologist and I love her. She’s so cool and was able to answer all of my and my husband, Courtney’s questions. Which, side note, if you have ever been in a radiation department before...ummm it’s not of place of happiness and joy. Here at the hospital I go to, it’s in the basement, and is cold and enclosed. It just has this dark feeling. Thankfully, my Radiation Oncologist and her nurse Marge were THE sweetest people so it helped! My Radiation Oncologist also has anxiety and had cancer at one point in her life so she shared her experiences with me. She said she could totally relate to all of the feelings of fear, denial, hope and the rollercoaster that comes along with it. She said something that surprisingly calmed me, she said “I know you want to go home and figure out all of the ways to cure yourself whether it’s with googling things or what have you BUT I want you to go home and rest and let the team of doctors and I worry about this cancer and how we will cure you. We’ve got you in our minds and we will take care of you.” As silly as that is, she was so right. I realized in that moment that I had this subconscious pressure that I felt like I needed to cure myself. Like somehow I had the control. She does this everyday and she’s passionate about it. I needed to trust that she wouldn’t forget about me or not care about the outcome. She was going to do everything she could to find a solution for this problem.

My ENT ordered a CAT scan last week because they wanted to take a look to see if it has metastasized in my lungs and/or neck. My scan came back CLEAR. I completely SOBBED in public, no shame. <<< I’ll get back to this moment towards the end. The Oncologist though ordered a PET scan of most of my body (brain to thighs) which is scheduled for next week, Wednesday. I’m scared. Why? Well, statistically I don’t like the odds. If this cancer was localized and it was completely removed on April 23rd then my survival rate is 96% which is GREAT. But, if it’s metastasized, the survival rates are 59%- 5 year survival, 36%- 10 year survival, and 29%- 20 year survival. The Oncologist feels that my chances of it metastasizing is lower than 5% since my CAT scans came back clear but reminded me that cancer is also not predictable. I'm trying really hard to focus that my chances are less than 5% and not ruminate on all of the what ifs. Even though it's totally easier said than done.

…...Right now, we still don’t know a whole lot. The Oncologist went back to Pathology and asked them to take another look to see what they find. Best case scenario they say “oops, there’s no cancer.” That would be nice but I won’t hold my breath. I could use a lot of prayer right now and positive vibes (whichever you prefer). Once we get the PET scan results, Pathology's third opinion, and they all meet at the head and neck tumor conference, then they will share their game plan with me.

Remember when I sat in front of my bookshelf telling God I wanted to get closer to him earlier this year? Be careful what you ask for. Don't hear that wrong because I don't regret what I said but seriously be careful. God must have felt it necessary to allow this to happen to bring me back. He knew me well enough I guess... it worked.

Last week, I found God again. In a way, I haven’t in some years. It’s crazy how one small compromise after another small compromise adds up like pennies and then we turn around and think “how did I get here? How did I get so far away"? Sometimes those places we find ourselves in seems so far that we feel stuck. We also often wonder how we will ever get back? Maybe he gave/allowed cancer into my life to get me back there, and quickly for that matter. I have found myself praying A LOT. I am not even ashamed to say that because while I’ve recently grown accustomed to altering my speech so I don’t offend someone, last week I decided that I was going to live differently from here on. No holding back!

That phone call that my CT scan came back CLEAR had me sobbing. The moment of calling my parents on speaker when I hadn't even left the office yet. Hearing them both cry and their voices say "praise God!" on the other side of the phone equally broke my heart and yet was beautiful. I have felt immense hurt, as odd as that is, that what is going in my life is bringing other people worry and pain which I may discuss in future blogs.

This incredible news lifted a huge weight off of me and at the time I thought that was the end of needing scans (which now we know isn’t true). But in that moment I felt like I had a second chance at life. I don’t want to hide behind things anymore, I want to live with joy, peace, and confidence. I want to buy the person’s drink behind me at Starbucks. I want to not get mad when someone cuts me off in traffic. I want to respond with grace when someone is rude to me. Things like that.

I know what some of you are thinking, only because it’s been said to me a few times already but why did I only run to God only when life was hard? “Don’t always wait for the train to come to turn to Him”. I know, I know, and my goal is that I remain with the desire to need Him even when everything is going well. I do have the tendency to only get invested when the train is coming or has crashed and I don’t want to live like that ever again. I have things in place that will hopefully keep that from happening like going to church regularly, seeking strong friendships, and getting involved in the community.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now even despite the cancer that I can’t get into on here. But after sharing my current circumstances with a christian woman from work, she told me she got chills. She got chills because she knows there has to be a huge blessing on the other side of this. Otherwise, why else would I be getting attacked this bad? I sure hope she's right. When I look at everything going on it definitely makes me think of the book of Job. I wouldn’t say it’s quite on Job’s level of despair and loss but it definitely reminds me of that story.

With everything hitting me at once, I’m learning to find peace and joy. I’m learning to trust again. I'm learning to walk through the fire instead of praying for it all to be taken away. Trust me when I say when you are dealing with things like cancer, it makes you look at other things and think “well, I’ll never worry or get mad about that again. That thing is TINY compared to this. Why did I worry or get so angry about that small, meaningless thing? What a waste!”

Even with everything, I know that I am extremely blessed. 1) I have a God who has me and reassures me everyday. 2) I have an amazing support system. 3) I have an amazing medical team. And 4) This cancer could be a lot worse! People get diagnosed with horrible cancers everyday and in retrospect, I am very lucky. I am young and mostly healthy so I have a lot of favor on my side. But this is my story and every story is different and I feel called to share it. My story is about how Cancer and heartache have led me closer to the one who gave me life. The one who comforts and heals and gives joy and peace. Even despite that though, I am not ashamed to admit nor do I feel guilty that I slowly drifted away. I learned and it made me better. It made me stronger. It’s MAKING me stronger. I don’t think this season is going to be easy and I don’t know how long it will last. I also don’t even know what will happen. But what I do know is that God has me no matter what! I'm hoping and praying that someday...someday, I will be sharing my testimony about this season of my life in hopes that it will give even ONE person hope that God can work miracles. That He can and WILL find them even when life around them and within them appears to be falling apart. Most importantly though, that He NEVER leaves their side. I'm proof of that.

But for now, this is my year of transformation.

UPDATE (06/23/19): My PET scan came back clear. It was suggested that I do radiation or surgery. What we didn't know is that in this case radiation can only be done once. So I decided to save that "life line" for the future if needed. We have opted to do surgery this coming fall 2019 once my husband returns from Europe to have more of the gland removed, some lymph nodes, and tissues. They will then send it off to pathology again to verify if the cancer was contained in the last surgery. Hopefully, this surgery will be the last form of "treatment" (fingers crossed).

Want to chat about how I can help you manage and grow in this area? Contact me!

#Cancer #Transformation #JesusSaves #JesusHeals